... of Cancer (?) part deux...

Not sure if this is pure coincidence - this is the second time this has happened. The first in 2006 not long after i started writing this short-lived blog - my Dad was diagnosed with cancer of the larynx. Since then, I've stopped updating my blog (till bout 1/2 a month ago) and Dad's cancer has recovered after a 30++ rounds of radiotherapy.

Well, look what happened - I've started started blogging again bout 1/2 month ago cos I feel that I'm moving into a new phase in my life getting my own property and my career in my current company is looking good. So, I think it's good to document them down.

It really felt like dejavu when mom called me about 2 weeks back about Dad's condition. He's been coughing out small solid clotted blood. To cut long story short - did x-ray, then MRI and results came out today. Mom called and told me the nurses said got "masalah" and they called UH to arrange an appointment to see my Dad on the coming 15th July.

I don't have a good feeling about this - most likely i think the cancer is back and this time it has spreaded to the lungs. I hope I'm wrong....

Dad.....

Yesterday I was with my Dad almost one whole day. I took a day off to accompany him for his CT scan. Spending the whole day with him was something that I have never done for a very very long time. Somehow or rather, i feel that my Dad now is not the same as before.

I wasn't really close to my Dad all the years that I was growing up. In fact even now we are not really close but of course better as compared to when I was still living at home. He was never really one who assist on homeworks, he never gave pep talks, didn't actually spend time for family days - those were Mom's job. I always consider him as this authoritative figure that my brothers and I respect all the while.

I never really actually thought that my Dad will be "old". Yesterday was an eye-opener for me. I realised that his movements are becoming slow; his memory is not as good as it used to be, his hearing is getting bad and he looks so fragile. I have not actually fathom this fact yet. How did this happen? I still have not gotten over the fact that he is actually having cancer. My Dad was a strong, independant person.

It scares me knowing the fact that this is happening and there will be a day that my Dad would eventually have to be dependant on me and my brothers. I'm not prepared for it yet.....

So Dad, these are the words that I want to say to you but i can't bring myself say them to you....

"Dad, I know that I have not been a good and filial son. There are a lot of things that I should have done but I did not. I wish that I can give you and Mom a better and good life as both of you should be enjoying the fruit of your labour in raising 3 boys. I still remember how we as a family got by with whatever little that you've provided us. I may not get the video game that I asked for; I may not get the mountain bike that all my friends had then and I may be using all the hand-me-downs from koko, but I am grateful that you have brought to where I am today.

I'm sorry for all the time that I have caused you pain and heartache;
I'm sorry for all the time that I went against your wishes and disobey you;
I'm sorry for all the time that I have lied to you;
I'm sorry for all the time that I have disappointed you.

And I'm sorry for being for being gay.... I hope that you'll never live to to find about this knowing that it will cause you more pain, heartache and dissappointment. I hope one day you'll find that you're happy with my life and at peace with every choice that I've made.

I can never really say this to you but I really would like you to know that I love you."

Dunno why I'm so sappy today.....

bad day.... of burps, passing gas, chest pain and cancer...

Yesterday it was the darn hiccups... Todays it's the bloody burps. I've been burping since i woke up this morning up till now!!!!!.... and it smells terrible.... and i keep passing gas... urrggghhhh!!! It's fortunate of the ppl in the office that i am on MC today.

Chest pain - still there on and off
Stomach discomfort - still having it since morning
Appetite - real bad!!!!
Burping - i think I'm on avarage 25 burps per hour... urrgghhhh!!!!
Passing gas - still having them......

The worse news came to me just prior to noon. Got an sms from my brother...

Bro : It's cancer stage T3

It's my father. My worse fear has come. It never really occured to me how it will hit us when you hear ppl telling you their spouses/parents getting it.... until it really happens to YOU. I was blank for at least half an hour. Didn't know what to think, didn't know how to respond, didn't know what to do next....

Have yet to tell Steven... probably will tell him tmr when i pick him up from Puduraya.

There's so many things on my mind now - i'm lost.