Dad.....

Yesterday I was with my Dad almost one whole day. I took a day off to accompany him for his CT scan. Spending the whole day with him was something that I have never done for a very very long time. Somehow or rather, i feel that my Dad now is not the same as before.

I wasn't really close to my Dad all the years that I was growing up. In fact even now we are not really close but of course better as compared to when I was still living at home. He was never really one who assist on homeworks, he never gave pep talks, didn't actually spend time for family days - those were Mom's job. I always consider him as this authoritative figure that my brothers and I respect all the while.

I never really actually thought that my Dad will be "old". Yesterday was an eye-opener for me. I realised that his movements are becoming slow; his memory is not as good as it used to be, his hearing is getting bad and he looks so fragile. I have not actually fathom this fact yet. How did this happen? I still have not gotten over the fact that he is actually having cancer. My Dad was a strong, independant person.

It scares me knowing the fact that this is happening and there will be a day that my Dad would eventually have to be dependant on me and my brothers. I'm not prepared for it yet.....

So Dad, these are the words that I want to say to you but i can't bring myself say them to you....

"Dad, I know that I have not been a good and filial son. There are a lot of things that I should have done but I did not. I wish that I can give you and Mom a better and good life as both of you should be enjoying the fruit of your labour in raising 3 boys. I still remember how we as a family got by with whatever little that you've provided us. I may not get the video game that I asked for; I may not get the mountain bike that all my friends had then and I may be using all the hand-me-downs from koko, but I am grateful that you have brought to where I am today.

I'm sorry for all the time that I have caused you pain and heartache;
I'm sorry for all the time that I went against your wishes and disobey you;
I'm sorry for all the time that I have lied to you;
I'm sorry for all the time that I have disappointed you.

And I'm sorry for being for being gay.... I hope that you'll never live to to find about this knowing that it will cause you more pain, heartache and dissappointment. I hope one day you'll find that you're happy with my life and at peace with every choice that I've made.

I can never really say this to you but I really would like you to know that I love you."

Dunno why I'm so sappy today.....